What a Difference a Year Makes

It’s only been a year.  I keep reminding myself of that over and over again.  Exactly one year ago today I found out that I was laid off from my big shiny corporate job.  It was the day before we left for our annual trip to YogaJam in Floyd, Va.  The moment we showed up at the festival I stepped out of the RV and sprained my ankle badly.  So I got to sit and watch everyone else do yoga all weekend while I stewed in my crap.  My phone doesn’t work in Floyd so I couldn’t even distract myself with Facebook.  It was freaking miserable, but it was exactly what I needed.  

Rather than running from my problems and obsessing over my next steps and what I was going to do with my life I had to sit and process all the crap that was up for me.  All the nasty feelings of hurt, shame and regret and of course all the fears.  The rational fears of, how will I make money and the irrational fears of  no one will ever hire me again and I don’t know how I will survive.  

And now I look back, exactly one year later and I am amazed not only at how far I have come but how the universe stepped up and gave me what I needed in every moment, at every turn.  A week before getting laid off I had hired a business coach (quite an investment to move forward with once you don’t have a steady paycheck coming in) to help me out with Zen Within.  I knew I wanted to create an Academy that could change the lives of everyone who attended it and I knew that I wanted to do more work one on one with people.  I spent my 3 months of thankfully paid severance getting my business in order, I wrote all of my Awakening program curriculum, I rebuilt my website and launched it all in January of 2018.  And people showed up!  I had a vision for a retreat experience I wanted to create for people and Zen Within did our first retreat in June of this year and 20 souls showed up!  I accomplished all of the goals I set for myself. 

And yet, this past week I have been through hell.  Doubting and questioning if I have what it takes to do this, to make a living out of this.  Judging myself for still taking on sales operation consulting gigs on the side, even though I love doing the work and helping people in that arena as well.  Judging myself for not doing it all faster and bigger and better.  And you know what, thats all bullshit.  None of it is true.  Its all my monkey brain telling me that I am not enough, that I am not worthy that I am not working hard enough.  And none of that is true.  I help people every day and I am living my purpose.  So today as I pack up to head to Floyd with all my friends, I celebrate.  I rejoice in my success and realize that there is so much more to come.  There is absolutely nothing wrong, everything is right. And I can’t wait to see where I am in another year’s time.